This article itself is probably not a good idea. Writing about how much I suck at expressing myself on a blog site where the article itself could generate the exact same results as the reason I’m doing it in the first place. I mean this goes to show how much I don’t know myself or understand people at all.
It has happened to me many times before but could not see the reason as to why which was right there staring at me, or maybe I’m just in denial that I chose to ignore it on purpose. To be honest I don’t know, it could be an instinct that I am completely unaware of. This just plain stinks, to not know yourself is a pretty sad thing. And to think, it only took me to the age of 30 to figure it all out.
I had never noticed that I was giving the impression that I was someone completely different than I was believing I was showing. Not once did it cross my mind that maybe me trying to be, say, funny would give other people the impression that I was being insulting or trying to correct them. I always believed in that saying that laughter can be a powerful medicine and a good icebreaker. And to think that so many times that I tried to impress a girl I liked by being funny only came across as being childish.
The worst part is that I am totally ignorant as to what I am doing wrong to be getting these results. Maybe I try to hard to be likable. That may not be very important to a lot of people, but I don’t like loneliness or out casting, something I have had to live with many years of my life and only now I am starting to understand why I was in those situations in the first place. It’s funny though, I can’t stand being alone yet there was no peer pressure strong enough to make me want to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or pot, use drugs, join a gang or even be a player just to be part of a group. I wanted to be excepted for who I was, not what I did to be cool, even though I did do some things that, now that I look back, may have come across and weird or cheesy.
Well, I do believe that there is a first time for everything, and eventually peer pressure did get to me, only after I had already graduated from High School. The first time around I guess you can say I was lucky when I decided to throw all my values, of having a serious relationship with a girl, getting married, waiting for our honeymoon for my first time, having children and living happily ever after, out the window to skip everything and go straight to the honeymoon without protection and risk getting my “dream girl stranger” pregnant right off the back. Stranger because we had only known each other for a day or 2, and this relationship was born more out of desperation from not having good luck with the dating part of my life than love at first site. More like love at first chance. Don’t get me wrong, I was lucky that she pretty much fit the profile of what I considered to be my dream girl. She was like sent from God or a wish come true. But I let my desperation get the best of me and I may have pushed too hard (not literally) and pushed her away not even knowing I was doing it. The same fear of losing her after searching for so long was, ultimately, what made me lose her. And only till know do I get it.
To make matters worse I continued to allow this fear to control my life and, to this date, I believe it still does. As you can see I still doubt myself. I an instant I destroyed everything I ever dreamed of, the day I threw all my values out the window. No college diploma, no dream job with great pay, no serious relations with the girl of my dreams, no perfect wedding (just a saying), no children while married, no happily ever after. Now all I have is a job that goes nowhere with a paycheck to match it, a wife that does not make me happy, no wedding since we are not even married, children out of wedlock (which I love with all my heart and will never consider them a mistake but I wish I could have done better for them and be a better role model), and no happily ever after except when I’m with my kids. But I have no one else to blame but myself.
But perhaps there’s still a chance. Maybe I can still have my dream, or at least part of it. Maybe with some deep soul searching, some professional counseling and maybe even some religious faith (don’t mean converting to a new religion) I can still have hope of being happy. I will, however, have to weigh in the consequences of my actions and decision, take into consideration the reaction of my children, my relationship with my wife if we were to go our own ways, the thoughts and feeling of a possible future woman in my life and more. And to think that I have a habit of analyzing every detail and not reaching a conclusion unless I am, at least, 90% sure of it. It seems I have my work cut out for me. But the real question is will I take the first step or will I continue to let fear run my life?